We're having a...
Daniel ran over to me, "Mommy, you okay? Mommy, you okay?" He was standing next to the ultrasound bed and I told him I was great. The ultrasound tech mentioned that all the littles get nervous when their Mom is laying on bed with someone pushing a stick-like thing onto their stomach.
Daniel had his arm wrapped around the top of my head, his little body stretching as far as he could manage from the floor to comfort me the way he likes to be comforted. I looked over at him and told him I was very okay and gave him the best hug I could while laying still with said stick-like thing looking around at baby. He hopped back into the chair next to Isaac and leaned over into Isaac's chest as Isaac put his arm around him.
I couldn't believe we were about to have another little boy.
And then the ultrasound tech said, "Oh, yes! See there? I'm going to keep looking but this baby is definitely a girl!" A thousand thoughts seemed to swirl around in my head and after she had confirmed her findings with two other photos, I said, "Wait, are you sure? How sure can you be?"
We asked the same thing when our doctor came in to read our ultrasound. "We're wrong 1 in every 10,000 times, but this baby is definitely a girl."
We're having a baby girl! When we found out we were pregnant with Daniel, I walked around saying "A boyyyyyyy" for days and days. And I definitely find myself doing that with this precious little one: "A girllllllll."
I was telling a friend that I'm surprised how many insecurities rise to the surface in motherhood. It's like they have no place to go and without an invitation, these insecurities jump up and start staring back at me.
I can't be a good mom to this girl. What if I mess it all up?
A thousand thoughts - and some insecurities - have been swirling through my head today which is why I couldn't just hop on and say, "It's a girl!!" this morning. I needed time with the Lord to work through some fears and lies and step into freedom and truth. Daniel's sleeping, so I have some music playing, Tangerine + Lavender diffusing, and I'm going to make some oils for labor here in a little bit.
Something that really helps me is being totally honest with the Lord. It's encouraging me to turn my insecurity into a request, so that's what I did today. Lord, I know you've given us this daughter. I want to love her well and I feel like I still have so much to learn myself. I feel like I can't possibly start training up a little girl. But I know that with you all things are possible and that I don't have to have it figured out today. Or tomorrow. Or in 5 years. The next 20 weeks are for my growth as much as hers and when I'm still a work in progress when she's born, help me to fully lean on you and rely on you as I mother her. I want my weakness to be a reminder that you are powerful and you have victory even in my weakness.
The Lord is forming a little girl right now! A girl who is kicking away and doing some sort of flip. A girl whose name I don't know, but I'm so grateful that I get to spend the next 20 weeks seeking the Lord about her life and getting to know her the way the Lord does - before I ever see her with my own eyes. Then, when I hold her, I'll spend the rest of my life seeking Him as I mother her, praying for her through every sleepless night and fit and first day of fill-in-the-blank, and teaching her that the Lord makes girls strong and courageous, too.
I'll teach her that she can lead. I'll teach her how to work through her fears and how to recognize a lie and trade it for the truth. I'll teach her that she is deeply and unconditionally loved, that you can dip strawberries in chocolate, and that she is worth it.
That she was worth the sleepless nights and anything that I give to her as her momma and that I was proud to be her momma before I even knew her name.
And our second son? Well, I guess we'll be telling you that we are going to have a little boy one day. Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, praise the Lord. I'm telling you that no infertility - no impossibility - is too big for the Possible Maker.
Friends, meet my daughter...