"Dear Infertile People. I don't get it with people who are infertile yet insist on having biological children. Adoption is an option. The only reason someone infertile wants a biological child is because they're selfish in which case it's okay they're infertile." Dear stranger on the internet,
I think I hear what you're saying. It seems like there are plenty of hurting children in the world and maybe they should have parents? I wholeheartedly want that, too. When my husband told me about the children, young and old, who have been orphaned in the Middle East, I wept.
I can't imagine what it would be like to grow up without a mother or a father. I can't imagine the struggles and the obstacles of falling asleep at night without the loving embrace of your parents. My heart breaks, knowing that's a reality for little ones and big ones every night.
It's hard to understand the heart of an infertile woman. It's really difficult to explain, but I have this deep longing in me to carry some of my children in my womb and birth them. Infertility, orphanhood, cancer - they are the result of a broken world. It's sad how broken it all is.
This brokenness wasn't part of the plan. It all spun out of control at the very beginning when we decided that we wanted to be our own gods. It all spun wildly out of control when we decided that we knew the creation better than the One who created it.
My heart's desire to birth some of my children comes from the same deep longing of the orphan: we long wholeheartedly for everything to be made right again. It's not selfish to long to birth children. It's not selfish for orphans to long for their parents. It's not selfish for the stage 4 brain cancer patient to long for complete healing.
It is selfish of me to cut down others with my words. It is selfish of me to use any worldly power I might have for my own benefit. It is selfish of me to manipulate others to get favorable outcomes. It is selfish of me to focus on building my own kingdom here on earth. There is something much bigger going on here.
I can absolutely be selfish while I have these deep longings to not be so infertile. But having a deep longing for everything to be made right again has been written into our DNA. It was written into our hearts when we were created because Jesus longs to save us and give us life. Jesus longs to make everything right again. And one day He will.
Until He comes back again, I will be a broken girl living in a broken world. And I hope that when He raises me to life again that I will be raised up next to my children born of me and my children born of another.
Until He Returns, Jordan