the beginning of a small story

I have thought long and hard about this post because I knew that the Lord would lead me to share my story with you. And through all of the thinking, I am not really sure that I have found the right combination of words. So I am going to write as the words come to my mind. Because it's time to tell you this small part of my story. Isaac and I were newly married, living in a one hundred year old house with those tall windows that were held in place by intricate wood framing. The light that poured into the living room was so dreamy that it made me want to sit by the window all day. But with both of us in school and working to make everything work, there was hardly time to sit and enjoy the warmth of the light. But that lack of time didn't stop me from dreaming about the children that would one day call me "mom." Oh, how I wanted children. It was never baby feverit was this intense desire to shepherd someone in the way of the Lord and watch them grow to walk with the Lord. I longed for children. There were a few times that I would start to ask God for a child and He would gently tell me that it was not time. With my ponytail bouncing from side to side and a smile that couldn't help itself, I would move on with my life. There was a peace that I had that only comes from the Lord.

A couple of years later I was standing in my in-laws' kitchen. Isaac was telling them what time the moving truck would be at our apartment. My eyes drifted down to the tile in their kitchen and then my mind wandered to children. So I asked God to give us children and He said "Yes, pray! Ask me!" The moving truck arrived a couple of days later to take our boxes to St Louis and I was fully expecting to be pregnant in the coming months.

And then, nothing.

I was fine. You know, "fine." Trusting God. Hoping in Him. You know, "trusting God" and "hoping in Him." I shrugged off whatever it was that I was feeling with the the hope of shoving down the pain that was welling in my soul. I was ready for the pain to end because surely I had never longed for anything like I was longing for this. 

In March of 2012 (just 8 months later) I flew to Haiti to film for the Journey. I sat on the edge of my bed, trying to hide my agony from God and then I asked Him for a child. The words that He said to me are going to be part of a testimony of His love and grace: "Jordan, if you were to go to the doctor right now, they would tell you that you could never have children." Quickly I responded and it was only a response that could have come from the Spirit of God who lives in me: "But Lord, I don't believe what man says, I only believe what you say." And then silence. I waited and groaned for God to say more. I agonized and the pain had somehow seeped out of my soul and into my life. Somehow God does that. Somehow He pulls my heart strings and sees me. I pulled myself up off that stiff bed and put my feet on the mosquito graveyard that was our hotel floor and one foot after another I walked into the world, broken.

This is the beginning of a story. It's part of Isaac's story. It's part of my story. God is pulling at my heart strings and making a beautiful song.

ducks are returning - photography by Jordan Brittley

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