Louisville Walks with Daniel
If we are watching a movie, or even if I'm just sitting down for a quick minute, you'll find me with a blanket. I can't help it! When I was growing up, we would throw a blanket on the floor, add some pillows, and cover up for the movie! I may or may not turn down the air in the summer so I can cover up with a blanket. And I may or may not say it's for my baby.
Oh my heart, our sweet Daniel is not a baby anymore! Our little boy is currently into horses, stomping his feet (for fun), and asking "that?" He loves pockets, pumpkins, and peanut butter and a hat is an everyday item over here!
Our hearts are still healing from our miscarriage. We have some incredible friends who have really walked this road with us, but it still feels lonely at times. Maybe that's just grief? Making a list of ways others have reached out has helped our hearts to heal by leaps and bounds. It's easy, in the middle of grief, to start to think that no one else is there - that everyone has forgotten - and this list is proof. It's proof that we aren't forgotten and our baby isn't forgotten.
But even if we didn't have that list, we would have this whole passage right here. This is sometimes the only thing that I hold to. The truth is that our God knows us. He truly knows us. Why would anyone care to number the hairs on my head? Why would anyone pay attention to when I sit or when I rise? The things that I mark unworthy of mention are are numbered in His love for me. In the same way He has known me, He has known our little girl. It was still too early for gender, but we felt like our baby was a girl and we decided to give her a name.
If you have lost a baby, I want you to know that your baby was known and seen and your baby cannot be un-known or un-seen. I want you to know that it's okay if you feel lonely in your grief (even if you're not). And I want you to know that you have permission to be honest with the people around us when this happens.
Some of you have mentioned this post, full of questions about what seems to be happening in our lives. Don't worry anymore about whether or not this is still true because it is. Jesus promised us a second son and there's no doubt in my mind that He will fulfill that. He doesn't back off His promise. He doesn't "undo" His promise. Jesus is not frightened by our current circumstances and His promise of a second son still holds true in our lives.
I have no idea why He allowed our baby to die, but I know that it's easy to blame Jesus for death. It's always been easy to blame Him for death because He is the only one who was ever willing to take it on Himself. He was the only one who was ever given the option to live and He laid down His life to raise His people from the dead. From the dead. He defeated death for our Victory Anastasia - once and for all, no questions asked. Even now, she has a life she never had here. Who could do something like that? Only Jesus. Only Jesus can make miracles like that.
To celebrate her life and grieve her loss, I took Daniel to the botanical gardens in Kentucky. We decided on a family road trip to KY just after we lost Victory so that we could still be together while Isaac finished a round of classes at Southern.
The gardens were drenched with mid-morning light and there weren't very many people there that day. I was so thankful to be able to cry in a beautiful space without anyone noticing. We walked by the flowers, bursting with life, and through the path of tall trees. We stopped by the herbs to smell each one and Daniel held a pinecone for the first time.