I sat at the kitchen table in the middle of the afternoon. Daniel was down for a nap and it was my one chance to get work done before he went to bed. Isaac was in Guatemala and I had hoped to have a few quiet moments that night dedicated to relaxing and doing nothing. It was then - scheduled work time on my day off - that I heard God told me to sit down and be in His presence. I was eager to see what He would reveal and hear what he would say. But I dreaded the consequences of delayed work.
My heart ached as I opened my Bible because I knew that I needed to be with Him. I was covered in anxiety and pressure which I had heaped on myself. The worry didn't go away until His truth sunk deep into my heart. I hear Him say again what He said then: "If you write, I will make myself known."
Tears streamed down my face. Truly that was my heart's desire and surely I had begun to make it about me. It's not that I was putting the focus all on me, but it's that I was starting to write, speak, and love from a place full of my own strength. And my own strength is weak before the King.
It's His strength that has to fuel our days. I want you to know that you don't have to know all the answers and you don't have to figure everything out. I want you to know that it is not lazy to seek Him.
I want you to know right now that you are loved extravagantly. You don't have to have an extravagant life or feel extravagant to be significant to Him. I want you to know without a doubt that you're significant to Him because He formed you in your mother's womb before you were capable of a thought. He chose to make you and He has loved you.
It's Jesus' grace that I want to live under each day. I want to open an umbrella of grace as I live in the tension of motherhood and business. Tension is not bad. Tension is where growth happens. Tension is the bond between the good things. We just need wisdom to understand it.
We find tension while we are cooking supper and our little one asks us to play. We find tension when the sun peaks through our windows and calls us out of bed after a long night serving littles. We find tension in every relationship that is ready to grow. We find tension when we are living undone instead of done.
We have a garden just outside our bedroom window this year. After transplanting the peppers, I topped them off and they stopped growing. For over a month I didn't see any growth. I actually bought 2 other pepper plants because I thought the topped plants were lost causes. Today those topped pepper plants are twice the size and bearing 4 times the amount of fruit.
It's painful to say this, knowing that I'm stepping into the tension of undone living: I want to be a topped pepper plant. I want to bear a bountiful harvest of good fruit. I'm ready undone.
Seek Him today. Get in the Bible and hear His words. Don't be afraid of anything, but instead tell Him about your worries. It's okay if what you feel is tension in your relationship with God. Just talk to Him. Just seek Him. He will show Himself to you. He will move before you. He will love you extravagantly.
So let's live undone as though we are living for the Lord and not for man.