The windows would normally be open and the full light of the sun would be shining through our windows. But I find myself curled up in an oversized sweater next to a floor lamp. There’s a blanket that could stand to be softer because even hotel rooms need furry blankets in the fall.
We are all in Louisville for Isaac’s school this week. Isaac was going by himself, but we decided we shouldn’t be apart during this time. I knew that miscarriage was hard and horrible, but the last couple weeks have opened my eyes to the world of loss. I have had a lot of different feelings about sharing our baby with the online world. It brings me joy to honor her life and share her story, which has also become our story. I also knew from the beginning that people wouldn’t know what to say and they might say things that hurt. But I have really just been thankful for every comment, text, phone call, and email we have received.
In the middle of deep pain, it’s been beautiful to know that we are also deeply loved. My heart has been so heavy to hear that we are not the only ones grieving the loss of a child right now. There have been so many stories of new loss and old loss and it makes my bones ache.
It was never supposed to be this way. It was never supposed to be so broken. Death is unnatural and it’s caught up in sin’s song - horrible and cruel. But one day my Jesus will put death in its place and breathe life into dry bones. He will breathe life into our little girl who never had bones. Victory Anastasia already has the life she never had here. She has a body that she never had here. She has a voice and a laugh that we never heard here.
My heart is breaking, friends. I’m far from okay. We are far from okay. It’s not well with our souls, but we are praising God that she has life. I wanted to hold her in my arms in this life. I wanted to dance with her in this life. I wanted to go to Target and pick out cute leggings to match her dress in this life.
It feels like someone just ran off with our baby.
I feel robbed.
But one day Jesus is going to raise the dead. Can I just go ahead and get it out there? Jesus is going to raise the freaking dead. It’s a big deal. He gave His life for my little girl. And because of that...
I will hold her in my arms one day.
I will dance with her one day.
I will go to Target and pick out cute leggings to match her dress one day.
Okay, maybe I won’t be going to Target in Heaven, but I’ll be doing something beautiful and motherly and I’ll be loving her. Which is the whole point of the cute leggings to match a dress.
We want to remember her well. Her life has changed our lives. It’s as if a pause button has been hit. Before I commit to something, I ask if that’s the most important thing. I have given myself permission and freedom to continue to serve my clients and to also take it one day at a time. If emailing happens at night after Daniel has gone to bed, then it happens at night. If I need to take a nap instead of write, I take a nap instead of write. I’m letting the pressure dissipate so that there is room to breathe, grieve, and continue to serve when I need to serve.
- Write Daniel’s birth story
- Write a story in his baby book each week
- Write Victory’s story
- Write Victory a letter
- Make progress on my book
- Send a newsletter to photographers
- Send a newsletter to brides
Personal and Business Goals
- Make a grief jar full of verses and promises
- Create a PDF full of verses to encourage others
- Buy Victory a dress
- Finalize my letterpress order and send out client gifts!
- Look at dates for a faith & business gathering
- Watch the leaves change colors
- Pray about social media (campaigns, 5 year vision, etc)
- Be creative in our home
- Feel everything (the grief and the joy)