I can't take it anymore. Goodbye pressure.
Let me just cut right to it: I'm done with pressure. Oh, I'm so done with pressure even while I'm still sitting under pressure. I feel like the man in Mark 9 who says, "I believe; help my unbelief!" Those words stir up so many emotions in me.
I tend to find myself living under the pressure. Whether I'm thinking about being a momma, wife, or business owner, I want to do it all and do it perfectly. But my pride makes it more than simply being a perfectionist who is task-oriented; I want to be the best. I grew up playing sports and I was competitive. And it's so easy for my competitive focus to be on the wrong things.
This business isn't about my SEO ranking, photography ranking, where I have been published, how much money I make, or chasing dreams. This business is about following Jesus and loving Him fully while I do the very thing He has called me to do!
Here's what's been stirring in my mind about being competitive...
"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places." - Ephesians 6
Let's start with the lie that women are told about beauty. Is the message that you aren't beautiful? Is it? Because I'm starting to think that the message is that you have to be the most beautiful. Let me tell you something, sweet friend, and I will listen too: we weren't created to be the most beautiful one but to celebrate the Most Beautiful One.
God doesn't use some measuring device to tell us who ranks a little higher on the beauty scale. He doesn't count likes on social media. He doesn't criticize your appearance. He doesn't tear you down and shame you. When God looks at you, He sees you as His creation and He has said that His creation is very good.
We can apply this same idea to business. We were not created to outrank our peers. We were created to work for God and not men! We were created to boast about Him - what He has done before our time, what He's doing in our time (and businesses), and what He's going to do!
So maybe this competitive nature isn't bad, but misguided. Maybe all of the pressure areas have some competition woven into them. Even if the competition is some "ideal day" or "ideal self."
We need more grace! Goodness, we need to bathe in it.
Lord, I'm done living under pressure. Please help me to be done living under pressure. Help me to be content with what you have given me and not scurry around trying to find the more. I need to understand how to accept the grace you give me when I feel like I cook the same things for Daniel every day.
Help me to soak in your love as I do the things you have called me to do. Let me remember that you said, "your business is not a hurdle for your family, it's a blessing." I'm clinging to those words as I work into the early Tuesday evening hours to write what you have put on my heart! Let me also believe that I am not a hurdle to my friends and my family.
I want more time with you in the mornings but I'm still so sleep deprived. I haven't felt rested in 18 months and I need it. Give me wisdom to know when to sleep and when to push through on my website. Oh Lord, I want this website to touch people. I want it to encourage them as they stumble across it. Lord, give me words from you this week on Instagram. I know that you have called me to speak consistently in that space and I feel weak.
I'm more aware than ever that I don't have anything apart from you. Help me to not be distracted by any offering of my own kingdom as I write. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just write about weddings, and keep it all simple on Instagram. Sometimes I think it would be easier to keep you out of Instagram.
But Lord, my heart aches! I really don't want to keep you out of anything because I love you. It's just hard when I see people click that "unfollow" button by the hundreds. Make my pride small and grow contentment in my heart. I don't want something temporary like followers or likes to discourage me or drain me.
You told me that my standard for success should be power made perfect in weakness. You said, "Jordan, was my power made perfect in your weakness?" as I watched them click "unfollow" in droves. It kind of hurts to see the words you have given me ranked in Instagram analytics. Lord, I'm so weak and I need you.
I can't do it apart from you. Fill me with your Holy Spirit and let me live out the "power made perfect in weakness." Let me write unhindered, not thinking about everyone who might read my words. Let me write to the ones you have saved and the ones you long to save as though I'm writing to dear friends.
My palms are up, Lord. I sat at my kitchen table and you told me to turn my palms up to you. I watched pillars of rain pour over my palms and I wept - you're so kind. My palms are up and I'm saying, "Here I am! Send me!"